I wrote this Journal right after my miscarriage of my triplet but I just got it edited by a friend. I wrote this to one day share with a younger brother our sister when they are old enough
My Dear Little Triplet.
You will always be in me in my heart and mind. To me you did exist. Just
by the fact that I was able to get pregnant with you has as proved a lot. Before you, we had gone through a lot to get
pregnant. There is a totally of seven
years of trying. We did two IUI. Then moved on to try IVF and then that was
when we were told I had too poor of egg quality so Daddy and I moved on to
Embryo adoption. We adopted 8 embryo who I called Penguins because they were
chilling on ice before we tried to transfer them in me to grow to be babies. We
had 3 little penguins not make it being thawed and four little penguins that we
transferred but did not take. We transferred two each time. Mommy really hopes
that you are up in Heaven and are playing with those little penguin who are your
adopted big brother/sisters. If you are with them please tell them Mommy loves
them too and wishes she could have met them.
At the
time I got pregnant with you, Daddy and I were trying so hard to do an embryo
transfer of our last embryo. We were planning to do an end of July transfer,
But the doctor in Seattle wanted Mommy to do a lot of lab test. So in March
Mommy started do the Lab test and some other test of her uterus to maybe answer
the question of why the little penguins did not take. But the uterus test
showed that everything was just fine and there was no reason why they did take.
But the blood test was a different story. One of the test was to test for CMV.
And CMV is common virus that 80% of people get before their 40th
birthday. Most people never know they had it and never show any sign. However
when a women is pregnant and get it then it can cause great harm to the baby or
babies. Well back in March they tested me and I tested positive. So they then
retested May and it was still positive, so we decide that the July transfer was
not going to happen and we were going to retest in July and try for a September
transfer. So we retest in July and it was still positive so we then decide to
test in October and go for a December transfer. We were told that the CMV virus
could stay active for six month so if the October test was positive we were
going to give our last embryo back.
So the
very first thought that went through my mind when I found out I was pregnant
with you was the CMV and I was of so worried for you. So I ask the nurse at my
Richland doctor office to please get my test results from Seattle and to please
test me again for the CMV. The CMV test they ran on me was also positive so
they sent me to a specialist. Because I was pregnant the specialist ran a more detailed
test that showed that the CMV was never active and I never show any sign of the
CMV. The reason why the general test ever show positive was because I have a
home daycare and the daycare kids germs that they shared with me was showing up
in the CMV test making it positive. So if I never got pregnant with you I would
have never got that more detailed test. My October test would have been
positive and we would have given the last embryo/penguin back.
So
little triplet the short 8 weeks that you were in me you proved a lot. You proved
that there is a possibility for me to get pregnant and you proved that I never
had CMV to begin with. Daddy and I also
got to experience what it was like to hear your heartbeat. So thank you so much
and Mommy loves you.
The Big Surprise
On Monday August 25th 2014, I woke up at 5:00 am
to get ready for a full day back with daycare kids. Summer break had just ended
and it was the first day of School and meeting and the first day to have all
the daycare kids back.
When I woke up there was just something in my
head tell me that I just had to take the home pregnancy test that was under the
bathroom sink. After taking the test I
was totally expecting to see one line say that I was not pregnant. Oh my big
surprise to see two pink lines right away. I then crawled into bed to tell daddy
to wake up and look at this test. We were both in shock to see the two lines
and he told me to take a second test.
So I wait for a few minutes then
took a second test yup right away two line again. So Daddy and I deiced I
better call the doctor after the office opened.
Little triplet Mommy and Daddy were told two years ago that
Mommy could never get pregnant on her own without doctors help and with having doctors
help for the last 3 years was never able to get pregnant.
Mommy thought she would never be
able to crawl in bed with a pregnancy test tell Daddy to wake up and look.
Thank you
little Triplet for letting that dream come true.
Thursday August 28th: At the Doctors
6 weeks 0 Days
Mommy had gone to do a blood test on the 26th but
the doctors office never call to tell Mommy the results. So when I went to the doctors
I was a little nervous that home test could be wrong. Right after I checked in a nurse called me
aside and asked if I had infertility problems. And I said yes we been trying
for 7 years, so she then said that she was going to have me do an
ultrasound. At this time I really did not
know if I was really pregnant, even thought I had morning sickness for the past
three days.
When I was called back for the ultrasound I was so scared to
see an empty uterus. So right away the ultrasound tech found the identical
twins babies they called B and C. (Now the first ultrasound label babies B and
C differently the other ultrasound teach we saw). The tech then said to me you know there you
have identical twins. And I was like WOW I can’t believe that is true. Then the
tech went on to tell me that babies B and C share a sack and would probably not
make it. Then she moved over and found baby A. Mommy was so in shock that it
did not sink in that there was three of you until the tech said you know it is
triplets. But then she when on to tell me not to share that I was having triplets
because B and C would mostly not make it.
The tech then when on to tell me that baby A’s heartbeat was not where
she want it to be.
I then went in the waiting to wait for the doctor and to text
Daddy. He had meeting at school and could not come with me. So I still super shock
that it was true I was pregnant. With everything we had gone through, we did
not think this would ever happen. I texted Daddy: ”yup definitely pregnant with
THREE.” Daddy text back “WHAT Details Please.” So I told him I have not talk to
the doctor yet but the tech found three.
The nurse then call me back and she asked if I knew I had
three in there. I was still in such shock that I could not answer that
question. She took me in to a room and gave
me a book and asked me a lot of other health questions. After she left, a
different nurse came in and told me all the do and don’ts of pregnancy. I was
still in such shock that I have no clue what she told me.
After that nurse came the doctor entered. This is the doctor
that did the IUI with us and knew our story.
The first thing he asked me is “how did you get pregnant?” I looked at
the doctor and said I have no clue. This is the same doctor that 3 and half years
earlier had told me it was his job to get me pregnant. From that point I don’t
remember much of what was said, just that he want me to come back on Saturday and
Tuesday that week for another ultrasound.
After I got home from the doctors, I scanned the ultrasound
picture so I could e-mail them to Daddy.
Saturday August 30
6 weeks 2 days
Doctor O
called use tell us to come in to his office for an ultrasound. It felt like
déjà vu and we were three and half years in the past, waiting for Dr O to call
and go to his office to do fertility treatment.
Doctor O told Daddy that he could
not even believe that I got pregnant. At
that ultra sound, we found out that Baby A and Baby C had great heart beats but
he could not find Baby B’s heartbeat. So we were looking at twins for the best
outcome and the worst outcome was one messy miscarriage. He did not give us the pictures from the
ultrasound that day.
The next day was Sunday and Daddy
wanted to go to Yakima and look at baby stuff for twins so we did. We went to
ShopCo, and Toys R Us.
Tuesday September 2
6 weeks and 5 days
When Mommy and Daddy met with Doctor O on Saturday, he had
told us to come in after the day care kids had gone home. We did not think there was any problem with
that because when we were doing our fertility treatments with him, we all ways
come in after the daycare kids had gone home and there was always a lot of
people in the office. Dr. O told us we come as late as 7:30. Right before we got
to Dr O office we stopped at McDonalds because I was so hungry. I was only 6
weeks along with you but there were three of you and you made me hungry all the
time.
We get to Dr O office at 7:00 and Daddy was eating his dinner
in the car and was going to come up when he was done. As I walk in to the doctor
office it is quiet and no one was there. A nurse come to the front and tell me
Dr. O just got called to a deliver and was not there. She asked if I could come
back on Thursday, and I said ok but I was feeling crushed that I would not get
to see you that day. I was also a little upset because that day I had a 1:00
appointment that Dr. O told me to cancel.
As I sadly started walk to out
the door and down the stairs to go outside to tell daddy we had to come back,
the nurse called me back in. She had called the doctor and he told her that I
was from Sunnyside and she need to call the ultrasound tech back in to see me.
So the ultrasound tech right away found three heartbeats. We were back at three babies. Baby A and C
were really strong but Baby B was not as good as they wanted it to be. We were
so excited for A and C and very worried about B. Daddy gave Baby B the nickname
of Hope because we were really hoping for B to pull through.
Thursday September 4th 7 weeks
At this
ultrasound appointment we learned that Baby A’s heartbeat was 129, Baby B’s was
69 and had gone down from what it was a few days before, and Baby C heartbeat
was 143. We got to hear A and C’s heartbeat but B’s was never strong enough for
us to hear it. We were told that I needed to come back on Monday for another
ultrasound. Daddy had a football game so
mommy had to go alone.
Monday September 8th
7 weeks and 4 days
Since Daddy had a football game and
could not come with Mommy to the doctors, I invited Grandma Charlene to come
along. I thought that Grandma would want hear the heartbeat of their
grandbabies.
After all the daycare kids went home, I went up to Grandma’s
house and picked her up. The daycare kids had gone home early that day, we got
up to the doctors an hour early. I was so excited for Grandma getting to hear
your heartbeats. The ultrasound tech first let us see and hear Baby A. Baby A was
doing awesome and was starting to look a little bit like a baby. Baby A, whose
nickname was baby Angel and also Olaf, had a heartbeat of 156. That sounded
like a great number; I was excited. Then the tech when over to B and C. I was
already getting worried because we knew B was not doing very good. But I was
really excited to hear what C’s heartbeat was. Then the tech look at me and
said “I’m very sorry B and C both have no heartbeat.” My heart just sank: I
lost two of my babies. But I was happy
to still have baby A.
Baby C’s
nickname was Cougar after the WSU Cougars.
Monday, September 15th
8 weeks and 4 days
I had posted this on a Facebook group page that only people who
knew about the pregnancy could see.
Daddy only told a few people about you, but I told a lot. I was really
excited about you.
This what I posted on that group page before going to the
Doctors: “After all the daycare kids go home tonight, Sean and I go to the dr
for an ultrasound. I'm 8 weeks and 4 days today. I'm so excited to see how much
baby A has grown and is starting to look like a baby but I'm still oh so
nervous after last week learning that baby b and c had no heartbeat.”
Baby A made me so scared and nervous because everyone I had
heard of that had miscarried was at 8 weeks or earlier. I thought if could only
we get to 9 weeks, I would have nothing to worry about.
I
was 100% sure that Baby A, who at this point I was only calling Olaf, was a boy. Daddy and I went to the doctors for the
ultrasound, and I was so excited to see how big you were. We had a different
tech that night. We had the one that I had the first time I saw all three of
you. She know that B and C had no heartbeat but she went to them first to just
see them. All I could think was “We know that they have no heartbeats, can we
just please see A?” But I was nice and just let her look. I think she just wanted
to see how they had grown since the last time she saw them. She then went to Baby
A, and before I can even look at you she says “I’m so sorry there no heartbeat.”
I think she saw right away that Baby A had no heartbeat and she was using B and
C as a distraction. Daddy and I were in
such shock. You were doing so great the week before. She then moves us to
another room so that we did not have wait in the waiting room to see the
doctor. Dr. O then comes in to the room
where Daddy and I were. The very first thing he ask Daddy is how is his football
team was doing. Daddy look at him and said “Doc, just as good as we are doing
right now.” Dr O then ask when the last
time I had morning sickness was and I said Thursday and he said to me not good
not good at all. He then asked if I want a D&C so that we can test the
tissue. (I did not really like the idea of now all three of you where consider
tissue but in the medical world that what you were. But to me you will always
be my babies.) He told me to come back Thursday to do one last ultrasound to make
sure, then we would do the D&C on Friday.
I should have noticed
that Thursday, which was 8 weeks on the dot, was the very last day I felt
nauseous. It seemed like on Wednesday and Thursday anything I ate came right
back up. But Friday I felt fine. I had skipped
Daddy’s home football game because I was so tired at all the other games that I
could not make it through any of them. I
thought I will stay home and rest. I tried to go bed early that night and I
thought it was weird that I wasn’t even tired and could not fall asleep. Since I didn’t feel sick or tired at all
Friday, I think I lost Baby A during the night Thursday or early Friday.
Thursday September 18th
What would have been 9 weeks
Daddy and I went to the doctors for
one last ultrasound. I was dreading going all day. We get there and saw the tech
that we had seen most of the time. She started the ultrasound and I told her I
didn’t want to look. She told me I did not have to look if I did not want to. She seemed to take forever because she had to
take measurements of all three of you for the doctor to do D&C the next
day. This felt like it was déjà vu from when she would have to take
measurements of my egg follicles when we were doing IUI. The room was very
quiet that night. I would look just a little when she was taking all of your
measurement but I then would look away quickly. I did notice that Daddy was
looking the whole time. Later at dinner, I asked Daddy why he watched the whole
time. He told me that it was just like watching the film of a football game
they should have won.
After the
ultrasound was done, we then meet with Dr O who first made sure we still want
to go through with a D&C and not just let the miscarriage happen natural.
Then he went over what the plan was for Friday and I had to sign some papers.
Friday September
19
It was nice to be able to sleep in and not get up for daycare
kids. We thought we would get to have a lazy morning. Aunt Tracy came over
Thursday night. Daddy had a football game in Spokane he had to go to and
we did not know if the surgery would be done in time, so Aunt Tracy
came to take me to the hospital and to take me home afterword and stay with her
for the day and night.
We thought we would have a lazy morning because Dr O office
told us they would call at noon to tell us when we need to get the hospital. At
7:30am my phone rang; it was the hospital saying wanted me there at 8:30am, so
I told Daddy and woke up Aunt Tracy. I was a little happy the hospital called
early because I had not had anything to eat or drink since midnight and I was
thirsty but could not drink anything. I was little worried that Dr. O would not
know that I was at the hospital and would try to call at 12 and I would not be
able to answer. However, as we were walking out the door, Dr. O himself called
me and told me the hospital want me come now.
We did not know how long the surgery was going to take so we
had Aunt Tracy take her own car up there in case Daddy had to leave for
Spokane. On the drive down to the hospital
Daddy and I listen to sad song on my iPhone.
After the surgery, Dr O said that everything went great and
we would get lab results that would tell us what happened to all three of you.
He figured that you all had a chromosome disorder due to my poor egg quality
and that is why all your hearts stop beating. Mommy would meet with the DR O on
her birthday to go over the lab results.
I’m sorry to have to say goodbye but we will meet again up in
Heaven someday and you can introduce me to your 7 penguin brother/sisters
Sweet little
babies, Mommy does love you and thanks you for being able to provide all you
have in the short time we had together.
The Finale entry
Dear little
triplets, or should I say dear my precious girls: Oh how I really wish I could
have met you on this earth. But I have known since I lost you that you were meant
to be guarding angels for Daddy and I and for a brother or sister that will be
here on this earth with us. I now know three of my angels’ names. They are
Sunset (Baby A), Hope (Baby B), and Erika (Baby C)
Sunset
-Daddy gave you that name after I got call about the testing that they did on
you. The test said that you were a girl. Grandpa Jim would have bought you
anything you wanted, I know it. We were told that they were only able to test
one baby and since your heart stopped a week after your sisters and I was
further along with you, we figure that it was you they tested.
Hope- Daddy
gave you the nickname of Hope when I was still pregnant for you because we had
hope that you would pull through and your heartbeat would get stronger, but it
never did.
Erika- Mommy
gave you your name. You have the name first because of something that happened
before Mommy was even born. Uncle Steve at the age of 5 and Aunt Tracy at the
age of 3 decided one night at the dinner table to pray for a baby brother, then
a few weeks later Grandma Eileen found out she was pregnant with Mommy. The
whole pregnancy Grandma and Grandpa thought Mommy was a boy and his name was
going to be Eric John. Mommy always wonder why she was not named Erika, so she
named you Erika instead. Also a week after Mommy found out she was pregnant and
two weeks before your heart stopped, Mommy had a college friend named Erika who
pass away, and so you are also name in honor of her. I hope that my friend
Erika is holding you. She is also why I gave you the spelling of Erika with a K
and not C.
So my girls,
I found out on my birthday that all three of you were test and not just Sunset.
Since the test confirmed Sunset was a girl, it meant that all three of you were
girls. My Girls, I will love you forever
and you will always be my angel girls. Thank you for what you have done and I
know you are watching out for us.
Before I end
this journal and write that last sentence I would like to ask you to watch over
our last penguin. I am not sure if I should call him/her your big
brother/sister or little brother/sister because they were conceived and adopted
before you, but it is in the freezer at a blastocyst Please watch over your
brother/sister as we do this last transfer in January/February. Thank you.
Love Mommy
August 25th 2015
Dear Girls.
I cannot believe it has been a year since I
found out I was pregnant with you. A lot has happen in that year. The
last embryo that we had left did not survive the thaw so we were unable
to do the
last transfer. Now there is one more baby penguin for you to play with
in heaven. I know I was right that you were meant to be guarding angels
for Daddy and me and for a brother or sister that would be here on this
earth with us. I know that you helped to bring
Leon, your adopted brother, to us, and I know that you are watching over
him every day. I know that Leon's adoption would not have happened
without the three of you. Leon’s birth parents found out that he was a
boy around the same time that I found out I was
pregnant with you three, and when we got the call to adopt two month old
Leon it was the around the time I should have been having you three.
Today I got a call from our lawyer: our court date to finalized Leon’s
adoption and give him our last name is one year
to the day that I found out that Sunset's (baby A) heart had stopped
beating and we had lost all three of you. Oh girls, I think of you every
day but now I think of you as Leon’s Special Angels.
Love Mommy
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