Our son

I will have to say if it was not for Infertility and our struggle we would not have our son. He is such a great baby 

At court to make him ours 

Triplet's Journal

 I wrote this Journal right after my miscarriage of my triplet but I just got it edited by a friend. I wrote this to one day share with a younger brother our sister when they are old enough 

My Dear Little Triplet.  You will always be in me in my heart and mind. To me you did exist. Just by the fact that I was able to get pregnant with you has as proved a lot.  Before you, we had gone through a lot to get pregnant.  There is a totally of seven years of trying. We did two IUI. Then moved on to try IVF and then that was when we were told I had too poor of egg quality so Daddy and I moved on to Embryo adoption. We adopted 8 embryo who I called Penguins because they were chilling on ice before we tried to transfer them in me to grow to be babies. We had 3 little penguins not make it being thawed and four little penguins that we transferred but did not take. We transferred two each time. Mommy really hopes that you are up in Heaven and are playing with those little penguin who are your adopted big brother/sisters. If you are with them please tell them Mommy loves them too and wishes she could have met them.

                At the time I got pregnant with you, Daddy and I were trying so hard to do an embryo transfer of our last embryo. We were planning to do an end of July transfer, But the doctor in Seattle wanted Mommy to do a lot of lab test. So in March Mommy started do the Lab test and some other test of her uterus to maybe answer the question of why the little penguins did not take. But the uterus test showed that everything was just fine and there was no reason why they did take. But the blood test was a different story. One of the test was to test for CMV. And CMV is common virus that 80% of people get before their 40^th birthday. Most people never know they had it and never show any sign. However when a women is pregnant and get it then it can cause great harm to the baby or babies. Well back in March they tested me and I tested positive. So they then retested May and it was still positive, so we decide that the July transfer was not going to happen and we were going to retest in July and try for a September transfer. So we retest in July and it was still positive so we then decide to test in October and go for a December transfer. We were told that the CMV virus could stay active for six month so if the October test was positive we were going to give our last embryo back.

                So the very first thought that went through my mind when I found out I was pregnant with you was the CMV and I was of so worried for you. So I ask the nurse at my Richland doctor office to please get my test results from Seattle and to please test me again for the CMV. The CMV test they ran on me was also positive so they sent me to a specialist. Because I was pregnant the specialist ran a more detailed test that showed that the CMV was never active and I never show any sign of the CMV. The reason why the general test ever show positive was because I have a home daycare and the daycare kids germs that they shared with me was showing up in the CMV test making it positive. So if I never got pregnant with you I would have never got that more detailed test. My October test would have been positive and we would have given the last embryo/penguin back.

                So little triplet the short 8 weeks that you were in me you proved a lot. You proved that there is a possibility for me to get pregnant and you proved that I never had CMV to begin with.  Daddy and I also got to experience what it was like to hear your heartbeat. So thank you so much and Mommy loves you.

                                                                The Big Surprise

On Monday August 25^th 2014, I woke up at 5:00 am to get ready for a full day back with daycare kids. Summer break had just ended and it was the first day of School and meeting and the first day to have all the daycare kids back.

             When I woke up there was just something in my head tell me that I just had to take the home pregnancy test that was under the bathroom sink.  After taking the test I was totally expecting to see one line say that I was not pregnant. Oh my big surprise to see two pink lines right away. I then crawled into bed to tell daddy to wake up and look at this test. We were both in shock to see the two lines and he told me to take a second test.

            So I wait for a few minutes then took a second test yup right away two line again. So Daddy and I deiced I better call the doctor after the office opened.

            Little triplet  Mommy and Daddy were told two years ago that Mommy could never get pregnant on her own without doctors help and with having doctors help for the last 3 years was never able to get pregnant.

            Mommy thought she would never be able to crawl in bed with a pregnancy test tell Daddy to wake up and look.

Thank you little Triplet for letting that dream come true.

Thursday August 28^th:  At the Doctors

6 weeks 0 Days

Mommy had gone to do a blood test on the 26^th but the doctors office never call to tell Mommy the results. So when I went to the doctors I was a little nervous that home test could be wrong.  Right after I checked in a nurse called me aside and asked if I had infertility problems. And I said yes we been trying for 7 years, so she then said that she was going to have me do an ultrasound.  At this time I really did not know if I was really pregnant, even thought I had morning sickness for the past three days. 

When I was called back for the ultrasound I was so scared to see an empty uterus. So right away the ultrasound tech found the identical twins babies they called B and C. (Now the first ultrasound label babies B and C differently the other ultrasound teach we saw).  The tech then said to me you know there you have identical twins. And I was like WOW I can’t believe that is true. Then the tech went on to tell me that babies B and C share a sack and would probably not make it. Then she moved over and found baby A. Mommy was so in shock that it did not sink in that there was three of you until the tech said you know it is triplets. But then she when on to tell me not to share that  I was having triplets because B and C would mostly not make it.  The tech then when on to tell me that baby A’s heartbeat was not where she want it to be.

I then went in the waiting to wait for the doctor and to text Daddy. He had meeting at school and could not come with me. So I still super shock that it was true I was pregnant. With everything we had gone through, we did not think this would ever happen. I texted Daddy: ”yup definitely pregnant with THREE.” Daddy text back “WHAT Details Please.” So I told him I have not talk to the doctor yet but the tech found three.

The nurse then call me back and she asked if I knew I had three in there. I was still in such shock that I could not answer that question.  She took me in to a room and gave me a book and asked me a lot of other health questions. After she left, a different nurse came in and told me all the do and don’ts of pregnancy. I was still in such shock that I have no clue what she told me.

After that nurse came the doctor entered. This is the doctor that did the IUI with us and knew our story.  The first thing he asked me is “how did you get pregnant?” I looked at the doctor and said I have no clue. This is the same doctor that 3 and half years earlier had told me it was his job to get me pregnant. From that point I don’t remember much of what was said, just that he want me to come back on Saturday and Tuesday that week for another ultrasound.

After I got home from the doctors, I scanned the ultrasound picture so I could e-mail them to Daddy. 

Saturday August 30

6 weeks 2 days

Doctor O called use tell us to come in to his office for an ultrasound. It felt like déjà vu and we were three and half years in the past, waiting for Dr O to call and go to his office to do fertility treatment. 

            Doctor O told Daddy that he could not even believe that I got pregnant.  At that ultra sound, we found out that Baby A and Baby C had great heart beats but he could not find Baby B’s heartbeat. So we were looking at twins for the best outcome and the worst outcome was one messy miscarriage.  He did not give us the pictures from the ultrasound that day.

            The next day was Sunday and Daddy wanted to go to Yakima and look at baby stuff for twins so we did. We went to ShopCo, and Toys R Us.

                              

Tuesday September 2

6 weeks and 5 days

When Mommy and Daddy met with Doctor O on Saturday, he had told us to come in after the day care kids had gone home.  We did not think there was any problem with that because when we were doing our fertility treatments with him, we all ways come in after the daycare kids had gone home and there was always a lot of people in the office. Dr. O told us we come as late as 7:30. Right before we got to Dr O office we stopped at McDonalds because I was so hungry. I was only 6 weeks along with you but there were three of you and you made me hungry all the time. 

We get to Dr O office at 7:00 and Daddy was eating his dinner in the car and was going to come up when he was done. As I walk in to the doctor office it is quiet and no one was there. A nurse come to the front and tell me Dr. O just got called to a deliver and was not there. She asked if I could come back on Thursday, and I said ok but I was feeling crushed that I would not get to see you that day. I was also a little upset because that day I had a 1:00 appointment that Dr. O told me to cancel.   As I sadly started walk to out the door and down the stairs to go outside to tell daddy we had to come back, the nurse called me back in. She had called the doctor and he told her that I was from Sunnyside and she need to call the ultrasound tech back in to see me.

So the ultrasound tech right away found three heartbeats.  We were back at three babies. Baby A and C were really strong but Baby B was not as good as they wanted it to be. We were so excited for A and C and very worried about B. Daddy gave Baby B the nickname of Hope because we were really hoping for B to pull through.

Thursday September 4th  7 weeks

At this ultrasound appointment we learned that Baby A’s heartbeat was 129, Baby B’s was 69 and had gone down from what it was a few days before, and Baby C heartbeat was 143. We got to hear A and C’s heartbeat but B’s was never strong enough for us to hear it. We were told that I needed to come back on Monday for another ultrasound.  Daddy had a football game so mommy had to go alone.

Monday September 8th

7 weeks and 4 days

            Since Daddy had a football game and could not come with Mommy to the doctors, I invited Grandma Charlene to come along. I thought that Grandma would want hear the heartbeat of their grandbabies.

After all the daycare kids went home, I went up to Grandma’s house and picked her up. The daycare kids had gone home early that day, we got up to the doctors an hour early. I was so excited for Grandma getting to hear your heartbeats. The ultrasound tech first let us see and hear Baby A. Baby A was doing awesome and was starting to look a little bit like a baby. Baby A, whose nickname was baby Angel and also Olaf, had a heartbeat of 156. That sounded like a great number; I was excited. Then the tech when over to B and C. I was already getting worried because we knew B was not doing very good. But I was really excited to hear what C’s heartbeat was. Then the tech look at me and said “I’m very sorry B and C both have no heartbeat.” My heart just sank: I lost two of my babies.  But I was happy to still have baby A.

Baby C’s nickname was Cougar after the WSU Cougars.

Monday, September 15th

8 weeks and 4 days

I had posted this on a Facebook group page that only people who knew about the pregnancy could see.  Daddy only told a few people about you, but I told a lot. I was really excited about you.

This what I posted on that group page before going to the Doctors: “After all the daycare kids go home tonight, Sean and I go to the dr for an ultrasound. I'm 8 weeks and 4 days today. I'm so excited to see how much baby A has grown and is starting to look like a baby but I'm still oh so nervous after last week learning that baby b and c had no heartbeat.”

Baby A made me so scared and nervous because everyone I had heard of that had miscarried was at 8 weeks or earlier. I thought if could only we get to 9 weeks, I would have nothing to worry about. 

            I was 100% sure that Baby A, who at this point I was only calling Olaf, was a boy.  Daddy and I went to the doctors for the ultrasound, and I was so excited to see how big you were. We had a different tech that night. We had the one that I had the first time I saw all three of you. She know that B and C had no heartbeat but she went to them first to just see them. All I could think was “We know that they have no heartbeats, can we just please see A?” But I was nice and just let her look. I think she just wanted to see how they had grown since the last time she saw them. She then went to Baby A, and before I can even look at you she says “I’m so sorry there no heartbeat.” I think she saw right away that Baby A had no heartbeat and she was using B and C as a distraction.  Daddy and I were in such shock. You were doing so great the week before. She then moves us to another room so that we did not have wait in the waiting room to see the doctor.  Dr. O then comes in to the room where Daddy and I were. The very first thing he ask Daddy is how is his football team was doing. Daddy look at him and said “Doc, just as good as we are doing right now.”  Dr O then ask when the last time I had morning sickness was and I said Thursday and he said to me not good not good at all. He then asked if I want a D&C so that we can test the tissue. (I did not really like the idea of now all three of you where consider tissue but in the medical world that what you were. But to me you will always be my babies.) He told me to come back Thursday to do one last ultrasound to make sure, then we would do the D&C on Friday.

 I should have noticed that Thursday, which was 8 weeks on the dot, was the very last day I felt nauseous. It seemed like on Wednesday and Thursday anything I ate came right back up.  But Friday I felt fine. I had skipped Daddy’s home football game because I was so tired at all the other games that I could not make it through any of them.  I thought I will stay home and rest. I tried to go bed early that night and I thought it was weird that I wasn’t even tired and could not fall asleep.  Since I didn’t feel sick or tired at all Friday, I think I lost Baby A during the night Thursday or early Friday.

   

Thursday September 18th

What would have been 9 weeks

     Daddy and I went to the doctors for one last ultrasound. I was dreading going all day. We get there and saw the tech that we had seen most of the time. She started the ultrasound and I told her I didn’t want to look. She told me I did not have to look if I did not want to.  She seemed to take forever because she had to take measurements of all three of you for the doctor to do D&C the next day. This felt like it was déjà vu from when she would have to take measurements of my egg follicles when we were doing IUI. The room was very quiet that night. I would look just a little when she was taking all of your measurement but I then would look away quickly. I did notice that Daddy was looking the whole time. Later at dinner, I asked Daddy why he watched the whole time. He told me that it was just like watching the film of a football game they should have won.

         After the ultrasound was done, we then meet with Dr O who first made sure we still want to go through with a D&C and not just let the miscarriage happen natural. Then he went over what the plan was for Friday and I had to sign some papers.

                                                        Friday September 19          

It was nice to be able to sleep in and not get up for daycare kids. We thought we would get to have a lazy morning. Aunt Tracy came over Thursday night. Daddy had a football game in Spokane he had to go to and we did not know if the surgery would be done in time, so  Aunt Tracy came to take me to the hospital and to take me home afterword and stay with her for the day and night.

We thought we would have a lazy morning because Dr O office told us they would call at noon to tell us when we need to get the hospital. At 7:30am my phone rang; it was the hospital saying wanted me there at 8:30am, so I told Daddy and woke up Aunt Tracy. I was a little happy the hospital called early because I had not had anything to eat or drink since midnight and I was thirsty but could not drink anything. I was little worried that Dr. O would not know that I was at the hospital and would try to call at 12 and I would not be able to answer. However, as we were walking out the door, Dr. O himself called me and told me the hospital want me come now. 

We did not know how long the surgery was going to take so we had Aunt Tracy take her own car up there in case Daddy had to leave for Spokane.  On the drive down to the hospital Daddy and I listen to sad song on my iPhone.

After the surgery, Dr O said that everything went great and we would get lab results that would tell us what happened to all three of you. He figured that you all had a chromosome disorder due to my poor egg quality and that is why all your hearts stop beating. Mommy would meet with the DR O on her birthday to go over the lab results.

I’m sorry to have to say goodbye but we will meet again up in Heaven someday and you can introduce me to your 7 penguin brother/sisters

Sweet little babies, Mommy does love you and thanks you for being able to provide all you have in the short time we had together.

The Finale entry

Dear little triplets, or should I say dear my precious girls: Oh how I really wish I could have met you on this earth. But I have known since I lost you that you were meant to be guarding angels for Daddy and I and for a brother or sister that will be here on this earth with us. I now know three of my angels’ names. They are Sunset (Baby A), Hope (Baby B), and Erika (Baby C)

Sunset -Daddy gave you that name after I got call about the testing that they did on you. The test said that you were a girl. Grandpa Jim would have bought you anything you wanted, I know it. We were told that they were only able to test one baby and since your heart stopped a week after your sisters and I was further along with you, we figure that it was you they tested.

Hope- Daddy gave you the nickname of Hope when I was still pregnant for you because we had hope that you would pull through and your heartbeat would get stronger, but it never did.

Erika- Mommy gave you your name. You have the name first because of something that happened before Mommy was even born. Uncle Steve at the age of 5 and Aunt Tracy at the age of 3 decided one night at the dinner table to pray for a baby brother, then a few weeks later Grandma Eileen found out she was pregnant with Mommy. The whole pregnancy Grandma and Grandpa thought Mommy was a boy and his name was going to be Eric John. Mommy always wonder why she was not named Erika, so she named you Erika instead. Also a week after Mommy found out she was pregnant and two weeks before your heart stopped, Mommy had a college friend named Erika who pass away, and so you are also name in honor of her. I hope that my friend Erika is holding you. She is also why I gave you the spelling of Erika with a K and not C.

So my girls, I found out on my birthday that all three of you were test and not just Sunset. Since the test confirmed Sunset was a girl, it meant that all three of you were girls.  My Girls, I will love you forever and you will always be my angel girls. Thank you for what you have done and I know you are watching out for us.

Before I end this journal and write that last sentence I would like to ask you to watch over our last penguin. I am not sure if I should call him/her your big brother/sister or little brother/sister because they were conceived and adopted before you, but it is in the freezer at a blastocyst Please watch over your brother/sister as we do this last transfer in January/February.  Thank you.

Love Mommy 

August 25^th 2015

Dear Girls.

I cannot believe it has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with you. A lot has happen in that year. The last embryo that we had left did not survive the thaw so we were unable to do the last transfer. Now there is  one more baby penguin for you to play with in heaven. I know I was right that you were meant to be guarding angels for Daddy and me and for a brother or sister that would be here on this earth with us. I know that you helped to bring Leon, your adopted brother, to us, and I know that you are watching over him every day. I know that Leon's adoption would not have happened without the three of you. Leon’s birth parents found out that he was a boy around the same time that I found out I was pregnant with you three, and when we got the call to adopt two month old Leon it was the around the time I should have been having you three. Today I got a call from our lawyer: our court date to finalized Leon’s adoption and give him our last name is one year to the day that I found out that Sunset's (baby A) heart had stopped beating and we had lost all three of you. Oh girls, I think of you every day but now I think of you as Leon’s Special Angels.

Love Mommy

 

The Story Of Our Embryo Adoption

The Story Our Embryo Adoption- We call our embryo baby Penguins 

Dear my Beloved baby Penguins, l never got meet you. I never heard your heart beat, I never saw an ultrasound of you, or even a picture of you as an embryo. Although I had no genetic connection to you, I still feel like your mommy. I have been your mommy since May 9, 2013 when I got the phone call from our embryo adoption agency that we had been picked to be the parents of eight embryos. I wanted to do my very best to give you all the best chance at life that you could. It was a one year and half battle to do my best for you, but in then end sadly we lost all eight of you. Just know, Penguins, that Mommy loves you a lot and wishes she could have met you in person.

                Let me start from the being how we got started on embryo adoption. In April 2012, I met a friend from high school for coffee and she told me that she and her husband were doing embryo adoption. They had a biological son that was born with a genetic disorder and were doing embryo adoption to have another child. She told me how excited she was about it and how she was excited that she could carry their adoption child. I thought to myself that sounded weird but ok. She had told me that they had just signed up with a Christian Embryo Adoption agency and was waiting to get matched. At the time I was about to start to do IUI, and had no idea that we would try twice and be unsuccessful both times.

                After our last failed IUI, we moved on to look at IVF. I was talking to my friend about us doing IVF, and she told me what a great gift it would be if we donated any embryo we had leftover to another family. She had told us a little bit about their donor family and why the family picked them. At that time we were told I had unexplained infertility so we thought IVF would work. But just as we were about to start the medication for IVF, my doctor tested my egg quality and said that we only had a 5% chance of a pregnancy with IVF. After that, I called my friend and told her what the doctor had told us. She talk to us again about embryo adoption. We thought about it and I called a national number for embryo adoption I found online. The guy I talked to gave us the name and number of a Christian Embryo Adoption Agency in Washington State, where we lived.  I called the agency on Dec 3 2012.  After getting off the phone I was so excited and we talked about it. We decided this was our best way to have a child. We could still go through with the pregnancy and we knew from having a home daycare that genetics did not matter because we loved the daycare kids as we would love our own children.

In January 2013 we had our home study done to do embryo adoption. Our home study took some time to get done because my fingerprints for the FBI background  check were just not readable, so we had to do my fingerprints three times. We finally got it figured out.  When our social work came to do our home visit it was kind of funny because with the home daycare we have to have safety lock on all the cupboards and drawers, and we have to have a fire extinguisher and a fire escape plan that is posted. This all stuff that she usually talk to couples about but we already had it all because of the daycare. I think we were one of the first families that had it all done ahead of time.

After our home study, we were set to get matched. We met with Maria at our embryo adoption agency at the end of April. She greeted us with words we thought we would not hear for at least four more month: “Great news! I mailed off your profile book this morning to a family.”  Daddy (Sean) and I look at each other and was like WHAT! That was fast.

We were told by the clinic where we were going to do IVF with that we could not do our embryo transfer there because they did not except embryos from other clinic and they did not have an embryo adoption program at the time. So Little Penguins, we chose to do our transfer at the clinic that your mommy and daddy first used and you were there just waiting for us on ice. That is how you got the name the “penguins”: because you were chilling on ice.

The day I got the phone call that we were picked I will never forget in a million years. I was baking muffins to give to the moms of my daycare kids as a thank you for being so understand and supportive us that year. We had to close the day care often because of  the IUI and IVF appointments, and I know that there were more appointments and days I would have to be closed while doing the embryo adoption stuff.  As I was taking heart shape muffins out of the oven my phone rang. It was Maria saying she had great news: the family had picked us. They had eight embryos for us and had had one son from the embryos. She told us more about the family too. I called Daddy (Sean) to tell him the great news right way. He was excited too.

I will also never forget the day I got the family profile. I had just got home from Western Washington from my doctor appointment. I was so excited that I was in the same building that you were in. But I got home the family profile was waiting for me. Daddy was not at the doctor appointment with me at the clinic because he had to work, so he gotten the mail that day and had the picture of the son laying out for me to see. That picture was the first thing I saw after my four hour drive home. I thought Daddy was playing a trick on me and had laid out a old picture of my oldest nephew Bryce. As I look at the picture closer I realized that Bryce never had a sweatshirt that the boy in the picture was wearing. The boy in the picture was not Bryce but the son of our donor family: your full brother. I looked at the picture of him around age two and noticed that the picture look a lot like one of me at the same age. Thats when I just knew that you, little penguins, were meant to be our babies. We had already decide that we going to take whatever embryo we were given. But after see the family profile there was nothing to think about.

We were ready to schedule our first transfer for the first day available. After all, that July would mark six years of trying to add a child to our family. We got August 7 as our transfer date. I thought that is a great date it is a month after our wedding anniversary.  So August 7, 2013 was our big day to get pregnant. When we showed up at the clinic they told us that they thawed out 4 of you even though we asked for two to thawed.  We stayed at my best friend house the night before and a few days after so that I could rest and two of you could have a  good chance at implanting. I was so excited and thought no matter what, I’m pregnant with twin. I really, really, really, wanted twins. Then August 16 was the day of the blood test. We had to drive down to the Tri-Cities to do the blood test because we did not really know if there was any place in Sunnyside beside the hospital to do it. We also knew that the hospital charged three time as much so we did not want to go there, so we went to the Tri-Cities. We hung around the Tri-Cities because we were going to see friend and had a family reunion to go to later that day. We went to brunch, then we went to the mall and walked around. We thought about seeing a movie but we did not want to miss the phone call telling us we were pregnant.  The friend we were going to see was not off work yet, so we went to a park and were going to walk around when my phone rang. The nurse start off by saying “I’m so sorry but you are not pregnant”.  As soon as she said that I gave daddy (Sean) a thumbs down.  He started crying right way.   After calling family and e-mailing Maria at the embryo adoption agency, I went in the bathroom at the park and ripped of the estrogen patches that I had on to help you grow.

We know right away we need to try again. We were all set but the end of September we found out I need to get my gallbladder out so we had to wait a few months. We set up for a December 12, 2013 transfer. We were so sure, little penguins that this was the transfer that was going to work. We would get our twin penguins, we just knew it.  We had heard from people that their first transfer failed but their second one took and they got twins. We just knew this the time. So we went for the transfer once again. We were hoping they would thaw out two but they thawed out four again. One of the embryos did not make the thaw and two did and they got transferred in to me and the one was left they said it was a compacting and they were questioning it.  Part of me wanted to just ask them to transfer all three of you that were left but I thought to myself, “No; if they all take, a triplet pregnancy would be hard.” That day we drive back to Sunnyside. Daddy had to work the next day and the clinic told us it was ok to drive the four hours home, so we did. Then I got the most surprising phone call from the clinic: our last little penguin that they questioned had grown to a full blastocyst and they wanted to know if we wanted to re-freeze it, and we said yes. We thought “wow, we have one fighter on our hands.” Then December 23, 2013 was the big day for the blood test. We went down to the Tri-cities again. Then I don’t remember what we did after that but we went to a friend’s place to have dinner with them. That is when we got the phone call. I made Daddy (Sean) answer because the last time I answered the phone the test was negative so I thought this time if he answer the phone the test would be positive. But I was wrong; it was negative once again. This time the first person I called was Maria at our embryo adoption agency. We said a prayer for our penguins that were lost.  At that point I did not know if I could take another transfer. My hips hurt so bad from the shots of the first two transfers, how could I do a third transfer?

Ok, my last little penguin, you were the only one left. I knew that since you were still alive that you were a fighter and you were going to be my stubborn one. We were going to butt heads in your toddler days and Daddy and you would butt heads in your teenage days. And we would love you anyway because you are our child. I was sure you were a red head little boy because red heads are very stubborn. Your transfer date would be just over thirteen months after you were put back on ice, and we had overcome all the obstacles people face on this journey. We were sure there would be no more obstacles. We are the champions and we would win and have one healthy baby in our arms. Unfortunately, we were so wrong. See Penguin, there this man: his name is Murphy and he has a law: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. My grandpa Fred was a big fan of Murphy and his law and I heard about this law many times growing up.  So now we have obstacles that even made the doctors are puzzled. 

Our last obstacle began in January 2014. Maria at our embryo adoption agency and I talked and we decided that since the clinic you were at did not do ultrasound for transfers that it would be best to move you to a clinic that did, and Daddy (Sean) agreed. So on January 21, 2014, I met with our new doctor, and went through everything to become a patient there. Then in March I called to see what we needed to do to be able to do a July transfer. They want me to re-do some yearly tests because it been a year since doing them. One test they had me do was a CMV test. CMV is a common virus that most people get in childhood, and the virus only active once but can stay active for 6 months. So in March I tested positive for the virus. We were told not to worry because we still had time until July. Then in May I tested positive again. I began to worry because I had to be on medication for almost two months before the transfer, so July transfer was postponed. I retested in July and the virus was still there so the September transfer that we so hopeful was now off. Our new plan was to retest in October and go from there because the virus is only active for 6 months and it should be gone by then. But in life, plans do not always work out. In the end of August I found out against all the odds in the world that I had gotten pregnant naturally: with triplets. We had been told we would never get pregnant on our own, let alone get pregnant with triplets. That had the doctor stumped. Sadly your three sisters (by adoption) hearts stopped beating at almost eight weeks. We did tests that confirmed they had chromosome disorders and that’s how we knew they were girls. But because I was pregnant and the CMV test kept coming up positive for CMV, my OB sent me to a specialist. He ran a detailed test that showed that the CMV had never been active and most likely it was in childhood that I had had CMV. There the other obstacle that the doctor was just stumped on: why did I test positive for CMV during a general test but with the detailed one I test negative?

We thought after the miscarriage we were all set to go forward. I thought that triplets’ purpose was to clear up the CMV and to prove that I can get pregnant: that is why we lost them so early. We are getting already to do the last transfer when we found out that, because of the triplets, I had scar tissue and would need surgery on my uterus to be able to do the transfer.  After I got through the surgery, everything was great and we are set to start medication for the last transfer.

I responded great to the medication to get my body ready for transfer just like I did the other two times. We saw the doctor on January 21, 2015: one year to the day of my first appointment at that clinic. The doctor checked my lining to make sure everything was good. So January 29^th was set as the day of transfer in Seattle. We drove over the night and stayed at my parents’ house which is 45 minutes away from the clinic.  Dear Penguin, this part is just heart breaking. As we walked into the building that houses the clinic, the clinic called. I thought “This can’t be good.” They told us that you didn’t survive the thaw so there would be no transfer after all. And you were our stubborn one. Daddy (Sean) started to cry as soon as I told him the transfer was off and you did not survive. I’m so sorry. I tried to fight so hard for you and I did everything in my power I could do. 

We have been given the option by the agency to rematch with embryo but at this time we are not planning it. I am not sure if I have any more fight in me after the past year. We are, however trying to pursue private domestic adoption.  If anyone were to ask us if they should try embryo adoption, we would tell them yes, even with the outcomes that we had. We believe that every embryo deserves a chance at life and we did our very best to give that to you eight, and we love you. Because of you eight, I run an embryo adoption/donation support group on Facebook.  

So you eight penguins, I would like to ask you to please be my guardian angels and watch over me and Daddy. I sure hope those triplets are our guardian angels too. I like to think I have 11 angel babies watching over me.  I love you all and I’m so thankful to the family that let us adopt you.